SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it