[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!