This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.