My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.