They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit