Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Strange
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.