The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
🤣
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.