There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze