My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
inside you are two wolves
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*