When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*