I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
❤️🦆
LMAO
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.