10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
You Might Also Like
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Tell me you get it…🤣
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
horrifying if literal: the electric slide