*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.