PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.