“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood