T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore