shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I put the hot in psychotic.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*pronounces fake like saké*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”