Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
(2022)
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…