I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
When they try to steal your moment.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.