Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”