That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My work here is done
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.