What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?