“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter