I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Brands during Pride
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I have many caverns
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.