This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.