[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
(True)
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.