You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye