Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
did it work
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*