Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.