*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.