Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My neck, my back, my…
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.