I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.