If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You Might Also Like
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.