person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break