Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.