Nose
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.