You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
what’s more important?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
This checks out
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty