{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
#oldknees
is this how new cars are made??
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel