“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Good point.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.