It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m calling the cops.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’