If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too