The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.