I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor