Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.