Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now