Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
you gotta be faster
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.