I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Holy moly
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band