H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
You Might Also Like
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..