Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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You should take something.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!