Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage